i’ve realized how afraid i am of being alone; when i say alone i don’t mean alone like being in my room by myself, the type of fear that i have is when i feel as if i have no one to trust and talk to, like not having any friends in the world. it’s frightening. coming to this realization has reminded me of last year, my first year of college. i know i’ve blogged about these experiences time and time again, but it’s a time in which i felt so lonely. it was my first year in college, even though i’m at pcc with a million arcadians, i felt like i didn’t know anyone, i didn’t see the people i grew up with on a daily basis, and i would literally go about my days not talking to a single person: just attend class &go home. that was it. it sucked so much, it was depressing. and on top of feeling miserable at school, darnell wasn’t here. i can never talk enough about that year he was gone, it was seriously the hardest thing a couple can go through. we needed each other so badly, but we couldn’t physically be together. anyways, fast-forward to this year and we’re together permanently haha and everything is perfect. but he’s leaving again this weekend for three days, which is nothing compared to 365 days, but it’s just a reminder of last year, you know? (i feel like i’m having a conversation with my laptop haha!) i just don’t like this at all, and he’s not going to be able to go to my culinary school reunion/graduation bbq with me :( i’m not even going to go since he’s going to be in michigan. i really wish i was able to go with him. i remember i would always blame him for leaving me, rather than that he was forced to move. i can’t stop blaming him for something that he couldn’t avoid, even now i still do this. i know it’s wrong, but i feel like that is exactly what is happening: he is leaving me to go somewhere else. just knowing that i’m not going to be able to see him is just bringing back last year’s memories. ugh, i was such an emotional wreck last year. people that i thought were pretty good friends still think that i am emotionally unstable, it fucking sucks. they didn’t understand what i was going through, no one did. everytime we were supposed to hang out, i was in another room on the phone with my boyfriend crying and now i’m forever labeled as “a cry baby.”
i think the feeling of and fear of being alone is my greatest fear, next to dying. i’ll get over this weekend, i’m just not looking forward to driving to lax with darnell and driving back home alone, again. i hate this.